I was trying to remember yesterday when I stopped trying to be perfect. Well really, when I stopped trying to pretend I was perfect.

I know how imperfect I am.
I know how desperately I need the grace of God.
I know that I desperately need His help and presence in my daily life.

For the longest time, I just didn’t want anyone else to know.

Isn’t that just the most foolish thing for a Christian to think?? If we know that we need Jesus to live with us daily, why would we want to hide the faults that make Him necessary? It’s ridiculous to me, looking back.

Listening to this song is what started to break the shell, I think.

Perfection has a price
But I could not afford to live that life,
It always end the same.
A fight I’ll never win.

When I talk to people about life and being a mom, I want to clearly convey that I need Jesus because without Him – I am a horrible mess. I don’t want to convey anything about clean houses, nice menus or chore charts. That may come up, but I pray that the spirit behind it is the grace of God and how He gets me through.

I’m reading this book and really finding freedom in hearing the reminders in it. We all need Jesus. I’m not the only one who struggles with self-control, anger and finding joy in the everyday routines. War veterans find comfort in talking to other vets, hearing their struggles and sharing their burden in a way that a non-veteran cannot.

We are in the trenches, moms.

It’s hard. We are raising the next generation of world changers. Let’s not be embarrassed or afraid to say I’m struggling with anger. I’m sad and weary. I need more of Jesus and don’t know where to start. It’s okay to admit we are weak. That’s when He is strong. It’s okay to need help.

I’ll start, okay?

I am so tired.
I feel like a failure most days.
I lose my temper too easily.
I eat salty things when I’m frustrated.
My bedroom & bathroom are really messy. I close my bedroom door when people come over so they can’t see how bad it is.
I struggle with comparing myself to others and coming up short. Very short.

Jesus can and does still redeem my mess. That is my hope and the promise I cling to for my daughters. That He can use this foolish thing to shame the wise. That they would see Jesus in my mess.

but God has chosen the foolish things of the world to shame the wise, and God has chosen the weak things of the world to shame the things which are strong 1 Cor 1:27

Come quickly to help me, O Lord my Savior. Psalm 38:22

{Okay, real time confession — I just locked myself in the bathroom to finish this post. My oldest is feeling sick and the baby is engaging in all out war, trying to get ahold of her sisters’ American Girl dolls. There are still breakfast dishes all over the counter and doll clothes all over the living room floor. I have a list as long as my arm of errands to run and I have no idea how I’m going to get to all of it without my oldest available to help me.}

Friday Finds

* Today I found that the hand dryers in fast food bathrooms will dry Lauren’s pants after pushing the big silver button only four times. So if your baby’s diaper explodes with yuckiness and you always forget to bring a change of clothes but do remember to keep a small bottle of baby soap in your bag – you are in luck. The bathroom can be turned into a mini-washroom in no time. Have an older sibling stand next to the fold down changing table containing your pants-less baby, order them to hang on to the baby for dear life and start scrubbing. The smell won’t quite disappear and will make you feel like the worst mom in the world for the rest of your marathon shopping trip, but at least the baby will have dry pants.

* Today I also found that while Walmart sells ink cartridge refill kits, they do not come with instructions that tell you this ink will stain your fingers forever. The instructions also don’t say that the “lid removal tool” is really just a medieval torture device and it hurts really badly when a chunk of your palm gets gouged out.

* And I also found the perfect replacement vanity top today. Perfect in every way. Price. Size. Color. Perfect. Not perfect? Opening the package all the way when I got home and realizing the lovely vanity top has a huge crack in it. I’m sure it wouldn’t be a big deal to others, but our bathroom sink has been broken for longer than I care to admit. It was quite deflating to see that crack. I know I’ll go back, get another and everything will be fine. But blah. I didn’t want to see a crack in my new vanity.

Its been quite a day.